I've always thought New Years is a very interesting holiday. We get a day off to celebrate the end of a calendar year and the beginning of another one. A strange thing in comparison to celebrating religious holidays or other government holidays. Many think of it as a fresh start. A time to reflect on the past year and say goodbye to the misfortunes that may have occurred while celebrating a blank slate ahead. Many set resolutions indicating that they are going to do something different this year to become a better version of themselves. And others look forward to letting go of the pain that came along the previous year. Sure, some years are good, while some are bad, but either way the new year provides hope. Hope that things will be different. A new year provides a new energy, new motivation to begin things that didn't get accomplished the previous year for whatever reason. And each year, as December comes to an end, we begin again with a new hope. Even if our resolutions never get accomplished, even if we continue to follow the same pattern(s) in our lives as each previous year, and even if the pain that we hoped would be wiped clean remains stronger than ever. We continue to have hope that this year might be different. As maybe you might have guessed, I don't really believe in making resolutions on New Years just because it is New Years. I'm all for setting resolutions or goals any day of the year with the intention of making changes in one's life, but I don't think we need a change in a number on the calendar to do this. In fact, all too often it seems that people rely on the New Year to give them the motivation that they need to try to make the changes they want only to fail in a couple weeks/months and then say that it's not their year. I just opened a very fitting fortune cookie which said "The odds of hitting your target go up dramatically when you aim at it." We can aim for our targets any time we like. In fact, we can have hope any time we like. We can choose hope, today, the first day of 2017, or in 5 months. We might need to take a risk, lean into others, and/or be vulnerable but we can choose hope. Wikipedia defines hope in the following way: "Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large." I think this definition implies and reinforces that we have a choice of turning our mind to believe that positive things can occur. For many people, including myself, believing in a positive future is difficult. For me it is difficult because I struggle to see the opporunity for a clean slate. I know our challenges will still be there when the clock hits midnight. That 2017 will not be the year when my daughter has an entire year seizure free. Nor might it be the year that she learns to walk or talk or eat entirely by mouth. I struggle to stay positive and not focus on the bad things that I know could happen. I try to prepare for the worst and I convince myself it won't hurt so much when it happens. For many this is the case, especially those that are struggling with illness or grief. I started feeling this way in my early twenties when I first experienced a significant loss and realized that a new year really doesn't mean a fresh start. The wound was still there. And then, despite many "good years," there were many "bad years." And after each "bad year," when New Years would come along, I would just know that the next year would be good to me. And then it wasn't. Or at least I thought. Perhaps, it was all about perspective. I believe the new year hype makes me focus on labeling the year overall as good or bad. And as I was reflecting on this year and trying to do just that, I realized that I didn't want to label 2016 as either good or bad. Because 2016 was both, especially if I challenge myself to see the good. For starters, there were no deaths in the family. After 2 painful years in a row, 2016 graciously spared us. Madelyn accomplished soo many amazing things in 2016. It was a great year developmentally. She started school. And Madelyn endured a lot in 2016; especially many treatment options that failed, remarkably the Ketogenic diet. I, myself, grew in many ways this year and I struggled in many ways. I got tired. Not in the I don't get enough sleep kind of way (though who knows how that impacts things), but in the raising a child with a rare disease and special needs kind of way. While my husband does the majority of the caretaking for Madelyn, getting her to and from all the appointments, taking care of the majority of her daily needs, I work and I worry and I try to get to appointments as often as reasonable. And when I get home, I do what I can. The constant worries and reminders that her needs will be forever and knowing that there is no break makes me tired. And because i'm tired, it clouds my judgement of the year and of judging a new year. I'm tired and I've already decided that the year is going to be hard and I know that I'm probably right. But while I'm not that into new years and I don't believe in new year resolutions and I've already predetermined that 2017 is going to be hard, the new year celebration and hype reminds me of one really important thing. To have HOPE. To choose HOPE. Yes, 2017 will be hard and probably each year after that. My fantasy of an easy, amazing year is just that, a fantasy. Again, each year has its moments, but that doesn't make it bad. I cannot give up hope. I have to continue to believe in Madelyn, no matter how tired I feel. I have to be optimisitic that she will continue to do amazing things. How can I not have hope when she has defied the odds and proves to me each day that she has hope. I believe that she has determination and probably has her own resolutions. Not that she decided today because it is New Years, but that she aims for each day when she discovers what she wants. 2017 will have both good and bad moments and I will do my best to refrain from labeling it as good or bad. Doing so, focusing on the year rather than the day, steals away the hope that each new day brings. I'm going to try and take another lesson out of Madelyn's open book, she can't rewrite her story, but each day she can and does find new energy to write a new page in the overall story, and she sure isn't waiting for a new year to do so. May you all choose hope this year and aim for your goals any day of the year!
0 Comments
|
AuthorHi, I'm Kristen! I'm a mother of a beautiful, but rare little girl and the wife of my best friend. I have decided to share my experiences on this journey in hopes to help others understand or help others in similar situations. :) Archives
October 2017
|